Mistress Maeve
Dear Mistress,
I'm a single woman in my thirties who understands her sexual needs and is not afraid to fulfill them. I've been single for a while, and I date quite a bit.
Recently I was having a "fling" with this guy. He made it very clear he did not want more, and I was fine with that. When we took a short break, I had a "fling" with another guy. Later, I started things up with the first guy again, and it ended shortly thereafter.
I recently found out that these two guys know each other and that they somehow figured out that I had "flung" with both of them. Now I'm the "bad girl." Neither one of them wanted a relationship with me — so why am I in the wrong?
I am sad to find that the old double standard still exists. I did not lead anyone on, nor did I make any vows of exclusivity; thus their problem with me must have more to do with me being a sexually confident female who can separate love and sex. Why is it that "boys will be boys," but girls need to be prudes, virgins or whores?
Can you help us open-minded ladies open the minds of these supposedly open-minded men?
Signed,
Jezebel
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Dear Jezebel,
What we've got here is a classic example of the Madonna/whore dichotomy wherein a woman must either be wholesome, and therefore "good," or sexy, and therefore "bad" — leaving no room for her to be both the Madonna and the whore.
Men like the ones you "flung" with buy into these female archetypes, displaying signs of a Madonna/whore complex. Meaning that they will happily have sex with the "whore" behind closed doors but will only allow themselves to love, marry and have children with the virginal Madonna.
It's high time that sexually confident women got their due; just because a woman knows what she likes sexually and goes after it in the short term does not make her an unfit partner in the long term. Further, men should stop punishing themselves by not giving the "whore" a chance if, in fact, she's what they most desire.
Jezebel, stay strong. Eventually the right person will come along who honors both the "virgin" and the "whore" in you — or, at least, that's what I keep telling myself.
Whorishly yours,
MM