Dear Mistress Maeve,
My boyfriend has no control over his orgasms. Or, more to the point, he can't seem to let me know when he's about to come. If I had a dollar for every time I've been hit in the face or had an unexpected mouthful, I'd be a very rich girl.
The last straw occurred last night when we were messing around, and he got me in the eye. Talk about painful! Then, this morning, I had to explain to my workers that I didn't have pink-eye.
I have asked him numerous times to simply let me know when he's about to come — say something, tap my hand, pull my hair, ANYTHING! He says he goes into a trance-like state before he comes and has a hard time remembering to alert me. Is he kidding?! Mistress, what can I do to make him understand how rude he is?
Lack of Come-unication
There's nothing worse than someone's little swimmers doing laps on your eyeball. I too have arrived for work with one bloodshot peeper — not attractive, and truly painful. Girl, you need to flush that eye out completely before going to sleep!
As for your boyfriend and his inability to communicate, it's time to have a chat. From the sound of your letter, you're not emotionally scarred by his failure to forewarn; however, it's important for him to listen to your needs and try his best to accommodate you. Lose the sarcasm, sit him down and sincerely explain that you'd enjoy sex with him much more if he could be a better communicator.
You might also try your best to learn his body language. Before orgasm, a guy's testicles will be drawn up close to the body, his muscles will tense, and his breathing will often change. Get to know your man's unique signals. If you sense the moment is coming, get out of the way. Although, I must say, I prefer being in the line of fire . . .
The Master Come-unicator,